Andy

Tombs of the past

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 03:44:32 GMT

I ran out of places to put things in my room. This is a serious problem for someone who collects so many little things. So I started to clear out all the old stuff in my closet to put it in the attic. I’m writing this when I should be doing that.
I stumbled onto whole worlds, all packed up and put away: dated little diaries, all the favorite things that neither my brother nor I have been able to bring ourselves to throw away. Two childhoods distilled and carelessly moved out of the way, without so much as a single warning written on the boxes. I’m remembering people who I forgot that I used to be. I still carry pieces of them inside of me, I now realize, but so much of them has fallen away… so much pushed out by what I am now. And who cares? Me? God? The boy I shared that childhood with is engaged and far away. He would care, but he’s not here. The mother and father I can sometimes barely cope to live with? They’d care, if I could tell them. The creator-God is really the only person who bears witness to this funeral that I’m having for these pieces of me that I can no longer incorporate into myself. I am sorry to them. I miss them. I urgently panic, hoping that the things I have replaced them with were the right things. “We are gathered to remember”. That’s what they say for things like this. But who has gathered? Who remembers? I’m watching the death and collapse of a whole universe, and I’m the only one left to see it. I’ve been working so hard and so long on what I’ll become, and who I’ll find. But what have I become? Who have I found? Are their any that remain? With God as my only witness, I will strike the bell and wait until the tone falls away and silence fills me up. I will hold it inside to commemorate what I was and the death of it. I will get on my knees and fervently pray for the hope to become the right thing in honor of the boy that’s dead. The boy who’s flag I now carry. Who’s hopes and dreams haunt and possess me. Who’s thoughtless joyful infatuations still steer the course of my life and chain my heart. I need to become who he wanted to become. I need to find her who he wanted to find. I need to follow the brother he swore to love forever. I need to build an altar so I don’t forget. God strengthen me and guide me in this. I’m weak, confused, and alone without you. Forgive. Encourage. Help, save, comfort, and defend us, gracious Lord. Amen.

Biblioteca

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 14:13:52 GMT

Today I got reprimanded by a librarian for being naughty. It wasn't as sexy as it sounds.

projects and undertakings

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 18:17:33 GMT

i've decided to post in duplicate on myspace and livejournal

i went to the library yesterday and made nerdly acquisitions. two books on algae (an old lecture summary and a new textbook) and "God Created the Integers" by Stephen Hawking. apparently it's more like Hawking edited it and will comment. i hope it's interesting. if it's not as exciting as i imagine, i will toss it by the wayside. i'm no physicist or mathematician. on the other hand, i'm the only person i know who made it through The Elegant Universe. i thought it was riveting the whole time. gripping. epic. enough adjectives. onward!

the algae books are because i have figured out that i can culture bioluminescent algae. But it would require me to change the media out every month. it's not that i don't like the maintenance or the cost of the cultures; it's that i consider this solution inelegant. i would like to create an enclosed, balanced ecosystem that will bioluminesce for me at night. i'll have a small aquarium available to me as soon as the recently spawned koi are grown enough to put in their special baby-pond. (we have a pond for the big koi, a kiddie pond for the little koi, and an aquarium for the fry and very small koi).

my ideal situations are as follows:
1. a completely sealed and balanced ecosystem in a jar which can continue indefinitely given proper temperature, light, and circadian rhythms.
2. a balanced ecosystem that may be kept in an aquarium or other open container. stable enough to withstand exposure to the outside world and able to continue with minimal maintenance (e.g. pH adjustment or removal of organic buildup).

we'll see if it's feasible. if anyone has any expertise to share, i'm all ears. i know i'm going to need marine bacteria. i think the bioluminescent algae should be Pyrocystis fusiformis. i have a feeling it's not going to be that simple because i have to keep the bacteria from outcompeting the algae... we'll see.

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 16:43:20 GMT

So... Kate asked me to post something. i wrote something up but before i could proofread it, it was out of date. life being crazy made it out of date quickly, but also delayed me by cutting into the ol' proofreading time. and it was way too long.

i'm alive. i'm well, i'm lurking here and enjoying your thoughts and the pieces of your life. i'm getting my masters in biochemistry. i'm planning on moving onto a PhD from UT Austin (cross your fingers). i hope to graduate this summer: research this semester, classwork next, a little spillover of class into the summer.

i had some friends here (Amarillo), but they all moved recently, so i'm down to a few. plus some interesting phone numbers in my phone book. i'm not sure when i'll call them.

i still read books. Harry Potter was the last one i finished. i'm now reading Wicked... apparently "Wicked=Oz+Sex". it's well written and well above the level of your typical internet fanfic... it's broadening Baum's world a bit, enriching it and shoring it up with some history and cultural subtexts. it still smacks of fanfic, though.

i'm playing the new Metroid. i rarely have time for video games, but i already own the system and this one is awesome. it makes me want to play it until i can't see.

i listen to music: Sufjan Stevens, A Fine Frenzy, The Decemberists... i guess i'm also taking applications in that dept. i need to get my XM hooked up in my car. if you were listening closely, you probably heard Holly shouting "About damn time!" at her computer. she told me about Sufjan Stevens AGES ago. i only just recently got around to it. apparently it required in-person encouragement. it shouldn't have. Holly's word is as good as gold, in my experience.

i'm going to hit post on this before it gets way too long. and before i can think of an excuse to procrastinate on posting it. e.g. "until i include this or perfect that". my apologies on the delay.

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 22:03:22 GMT

i've had these quotes floating around in my mind from my visit to Massachusetts. if someone has corrections for how they really went, email me or comment or something and i'll revise this entry.

it's nice to have exchanges like this online, they're PRICELESS in real life. i have deep affection for Wendy and Lauren because of these exchanges alone (in addition to any other feelings for any other reasons).

Wendy: Allah be praised!

Andy: Kinda like the old Monty Python "Saints be praised!"

Wendy: No. Only sissies say that. That's something old women say. "Allah be praised" is much more Lawrence of Arabia and glamorous... and pretty gay. So I guess you have sissy or gay.

Andy: So you're screwed either way, huh?

Wendy: Yes, but by different people.

Andy: My nose? Oh, I hate my nose!

Lauren: Why!?

Andy: Ooooh... *thinks* Probably because I have a terrible self-esteem and don't really like how I look.

Lauren: Ha!... wait, that's a joke, right?

Andy: *shrugs and smiles*

Before the Flight

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 14:45:08 GMT

My digestive system is apparently on an anti-emotion platform. there have been considerable protests and riots. somehow listening to Rachmaninoff lets me pour the turbulence into the music. time is filled with packing, taking pictures, last moments, and angst.

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 21:14:14 GMT

the last seven days have FLOWN past. fugitive time. it seems like the vacation slowly built up like a roller coaster, the peak being the departure to western Massachusetts for the wedding. it's been a downhill rush since then. times with Wendy and her friends have been magical and disorienting. i find myself wondering a labyrinth of new friends in the shadow of a creature that only seems to be half girl. who knows what the other half is? the stuff of myth, surely. i've found another Tori Amos song that i believe to be about her. that makes two. i think that's two more than anyone else has.

hopefully this visit will be able to recharge (for lack of a better word) the normally long-distance relationships i have with these people. it's been so strange and good to have these people in my life again. it's disturbing when i think about how much they had faded in my mind. this really is an alternate universe, though. i was just recently talking with Kate about the expected shock upon re-entering the Texas world. either the hole is very deep, or i am falling very slowly.

hopefully i'm not the only one who's ever done this but i was talking with Wendy and had made a rather elaborate set up for a point...and then forgot the point. i went on and on about not fitting in and trying to find a place where i did. about how i had found only a handful of people that i really fit with, and listed of a few, and then i completely forgot the point. i suppose my point had been that i really hadn't had the opportunity for my friends to define me. after all, who was close enough to me to define me? the number of people that i'd closely connected with stayed incredibly small for many years. i decided to change that and not worry about it. i gave up on fitting in and started enjoying people for who they are, whether it fits with me or not. so i have more friends now, but there's definitely a limit on how closely i can seem to connect with them. it's important to understand that just because i can't understand all these friends all that well doesn't mean that my loyalty or love for them is limited by it. i suppose i'm always curious, though: when i find someone that i think i've connected with, someone who i understand, does that person really understand me? or is the connection just one-way? sometimes it's genuine, and sometimes i like a person, but i'm just a novelty to them. and gradually my novelty fades without giving way to understanding, and i just confuse them, and they let go. but i suppose that's life.

last night we went to a Thai restaurant, and then Wendy, Darren, and I got lost on an effing ninja route (pronounced with an "oo" not an "ow") on the way to the beach. i was nearly molested (all in good fun) by yet another Kate. after the beach we went to Lauren's nearby house where we all talked together for a while, and then the others abandoned the four of us to magical, sparkling, intimate conversation (the four of us being Darren, Lauren, her twin Bree, and myself). i hope the twins manage to invite themselves to wherever i happen to be in the next two days, and Darren as well, but to be a realist, i don't think i'll ever see them again. i did get Darren's email, though. we shared so much musical taste that it would have been wrong not to, i think. and i'll toss him on my livejournal friends list, too... because why not?

i need to call people today. i miss home and the people in it. i've been listening to Jon's music. a sure sign that i miss being with him. i also was telling Wendy about him while we waited outside the Thai restaurant waiting for everyone to get there. i talked about what he was doing and who he was dating and how great he is. i hope he and i end up in the same place, when it's all said and done. it would break my heart if we didn't... but it wouldn't be my first broken heart, i suppose, and the awful perversion of a broken heart is that you continue to live and life goes on.

i know that i'm in for one when i get home, missing being with all these people all over again. i've actually got it now, i suppose. hopefully i'll be able to take pieces of them with me. i'll take home photos, online contact information, and memories. i should probably find a way to get a hold of the music i'm listening to, also.

memed!

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 19:04:43 GMT

apparently i'm the next step in the replication of a song meme. six songs, four future victims. unfortunately, i'm in something of a livejournal cul-de-sac for the time being. especially because a highly similar meme has recently conferred immunity on Matt Carleton and his comrades. so i'll just offer up my top six songs to the governing meme-deities and hope that i don't get dragged behind a subway while miniature bears eat my grandmother's burning house...or something.

so here they are, in no apparent order.

"Loser Like Me" by Sixpence None the Richer
"Holiday by Green" Day
"Barons of Suburbia" by Tori Amos
"Murder, He Says" by Jimmy McHugh and Frank Loesser, performed by Tori Amos
"The Saga of Jenny" by Ira Gershwin and Kurt Weil, performed by Dawn Upshaw
"Spem in Alium" (a motet for 40 voices) by Thomas Tallis, performed by the Tallis Scholars

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 05:37:48 GMT

I'm thinking of changing my last name to "Texas".

There are so many references to comedy routines in the workings of my mind. Too bad that no one here knows those routines. I'm still highly amused.

Too many people fail to notice all the little pleasures inherent in normal "mundane" existence. I'm not one of those people. Blessedly exempt from the epidemic obliviousness.

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 04:49:04 GMT

Andy: this place messes with my head ^_^
Andy: i love it
Libby: =)
Andy: experiences that stretch and push you out of your normal tend to.... give you added perspective into your own life
Libby: That's good.
Andy: un

i am (in a very real way through my memories and other permanent aspects) at this moment every person that i have ever been, in part or in whole.

-Why should I want for company? Have I not the quiet moth beside me?

She Wants to be a High School English Teacher

Thu, 19 May 2005 16:00:25 GMT

I saw Molly Woosley again today. I can’t sleep. I worry for her desperately. I loved her immediately because I could feel she needed it. I think she still needs it. She’s in The Wrong Band. Ginger is always sincere. That’s Molly. Why can’t I save everyone? Why can’t everyone be saved? Universal salvation. Free will doesn’t work. We messed it up. We use it to gradually kill ourselves. She didn’t look a day older than she did at 14. But you can feel how she’s being used up inside. The trouble is that I can’t just scoop up stray little girls and take them home the way I do stray puppies. I can’t fix them up, or keep them, or find them a good place. I can’t wrap them up and hand feed them until they get better like a little squirrel. They just won’t let me. They’re too proud, or too scared, or too closed up to take my hand. So I hugged her. I smiled a sad smile. I walked away. That’s all she would have me do. All she would let me do.

So, I’m back

Mon, 09 May 2005 19:33:44 GMT

Alright, I’m no Sam Gamgee. Finals are done. Hopefully the all consuming fire of education is done with my life for a while. It’s been simply atrocious, how I’ve neglected my journal. Let’s see what’s happened.

I had a car wreck myself. I actually managed to turn my car completely over going only thirty miles per hour. You see, there was this trailer parked the wrong way on the street with no reflectors showing... and it was dark... and there’s no way I can really talk my way out of the fact that I had a wreck, but you get the idea, I hope. I actually just now finished helping Kevin Hughes (or actually his brother Kerry) transport my next car to a(n) (apparently) knowledgeable Vietnamese man for its final stages of repair.

I was IN a wedding in April. Bethany McCurry married Ben Johnson, or vice versa ^_^. There are now SO MANY Mrs. Johnsons that I believe my nickname for Bethany will stick. She is now often referred to as "The Petite Mrs. Johnson". Not that she’s that much smaller than Ben. If those two have children, they will definitely be small. In case you all were wondering, I served as an usher in that wedding. I ushed with moderate skill. I thought it wasn't bad for my first time as an usher and my second time in a wedding. I was a ring-bearer for Ben’s aunt and uncle.

I’m going to attend two weddings in May. Bethany Denton is marrying someone who I have yet to meet. But if the rest of the Dentons are approving of him, then I’m sure they’ve hazed him better than I ever could have. If he’s gotten past Denny, then he has my seal of approval. I can’t wait to meet him, though... I’ll probably cry at her wedding, but Quintin was just as choked up at the McCurry Johnson wedding as I was, so I’m not that bad. I mean... people were actually shocked afterward, saying “You DO have a soul, Quintin!”

The other wedding I’ve mentioned is for relatively recent friends. The sort of people I know so casually that I don’t even know their last names. But I’ll be glad to attend because they’re such a charming couple, both individually and together. It appears that I may be going to their house tonight to play the ever popular Texas Hold'em.

I’ve finally booked flights to Massachusetts and back for Matt and Holly’s wedding. I consider the wedding I was ACTUALLY IN to be THE wedding of the spring and even if I’m not in it, I expect Holly’s wedding to be THE wedding of the summer. Actually it will probably be the highlight of whole summer in almost every category.

I’m still going to game nights every Wednesday and it’s an understatement to say that the group has gotten closer and more established. Kimmie and I are dating. Jon and Kalee are dating for the second time. Megan and Quintin dated but broke up. Over the course of the next month, I expect things to get even more interesting. Blake will bring a girlfriend into the group and, more importantly, so will Megan for a short time. We’ll see how Quintin handles that. Blake leaves at the end of May. I’d place money that there will be several invitations to his girl to stay even after he goes, but I’m not sure she will. Hopefully Quintin will be enough of a tie to Nate and Tristan (the couple who’s last names I don’t know) to get them to stay with us after Blake is gone... but he IS their primary contact to the group.

Kimmie and I are dating. That’s certainly worth mentioning. She is a steadfast, kind, meek girl who takes these qualities for granted in herself. I guess I’m not TOO comfortable doing a running relationship commentary on here, so I won’t. I can’t really talk to my guy friends about it, and most of my girly-type friends are her girl friends, too... so... not that I don’t trust them but... I doubt that I really say anything of importance in TOTAL confidence with them, but they're looking out for her, and i can't blame them. I’ll keep my own counsel for a time, it seems. That is, of course, on things that I can’t tell her yet. Hopefully as the relationship continues, I’ll be able to tell her more and more until there’s nothing I can’t say to her. Ironically enough, arrival at that point would make a whole new set of decisions necessary, although I guess those would be the last I would have to make without her. It’s preposterous to be thinking that far ahead, but I know that both of us are doing it. We don’t really think of it too seriously (I hope), but there are only two directions the relationship could go for us, and I’m sure both parties consider both directions.

Oh yeah! (I almost forgot to mention it) Things with the cardiologist went fine. He said something along the lines of “Don’t come back for 40 years and if I’m still practicing in 40 years then I’m certainly not sane so don’t come to me!” So, my classes didn’t kill me, and weren’t killing me, but it took a highly trained medical expert to make sure. It’s been a rough semester.

I’m now going to church with Kimmie (and a much of the rest of the group) at Trinity Fellowship. Blake just grinned from ear to ear and said “Jeez!” when he heard that... which is a great reaction considering the ones I’ve heard about in the past. Although... he usually has to get pretty heated to produce comments like that. The pastor at Trinity Baptist it taking a large unpaid leave of absence in an attempt to save a failing marriage. It's disturbing to see that no one is immune from that. It was encouraging for him to basically stand up and say "mea culpa" about the whole thing, though. We'll see whether or not I had reason to be encouraged, eventually. But David Evans was basically the reason that we chose to attend that church in the first place, so without that, there's little left for me at Trinity Baptist. A sad thing to say, really. I went back to EFC to visit the youth service for a thing or two. Sort of a sentimental journey. It was good to visit, but when I did, I knew I couldn't go back... for all the old reasons.

It seems that this isn’t going to be one of those journal entries that just comes to a natural conclusion in my mind... But that’s to be expected because I haven’t posted in SOO LONG, jeez!

I should probably do some writing about Libby and Wendy, but we’ll see if that comes together or not.

-Imagine my supreeze!

unbelievable

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:26:06 GMT

so like... holy crap.

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 21:55:49 GMT

The human sexes have always fascinated me with their differences. I found a new article on 'intersex' babies, who's sex is not immediately clear on birth. Doctors are changing their approach on treatment of these children, and it seems to be an obvious step in the right direction. My favorite part is where they talk about how a researcher has "identified 54 genes that work differently in the brains of male and female mouse embryos just 10 days after conception — before sex hormones are ever produced."

Blech, I've already had bad news from the dentist today (cracked tooth). Hopefully I'll have good news from the cardiologist. I'm going to see him right NOW as a matter of fact. See you later <3.

Hot Meme Action, A Small Update, and A Bit of Speculation

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 02:27:52 GMT

Ten Things I've Done That You Probably Haven't

crashed a piano master class taught by an international concert pianist, who i then kept correspondence with.
had a pet squirrel.
skinned cats... more than one way.
personally witnessed a coronary bypass... during which the surgeon waved the arterial plaque about, proclaiming in a thick foreign accent "THEES eez beeg mac!"
written a prize winning paper before adolescence.
had two different crushes die before i turned 18.
dug trenches during a flood.
had the National Science Foundation to fling me halfway across the map during which ended up doubling my number of favorite people. and they paid me.
minored in physics... by accident.
had people ask to model for me, as a photographer.

this list isn't that great. i suppose most of the special things in my life aren't "things i've done". they're people or relationships or coincidences or events. this list just didn't fit me. kids and animals love me. i've rescued two dogs that have trained themselves (one for me, one for a friend), and i've lost count of how many different children have fallen asleep on me or in my arms... but those are not things i've DONE... those are things that have happened to ME... perhaps because of who i am. perhaps just because God loves me. it's hard to say.

i've been incredibly busy. it's Friday, but it feels like i finally got my Tuesday. i've been so busy that i've lost three days this week. On Thursday i got home from school at 9:00 in the evening. on Tuesday i got home at 4:00... in the morning... i guess that puts things well into Wednesday by that point. i spent SO much time in the last seven days using science to rape the English language. i HATE HATE HAAAATE the scientific writing style. i want to cry every time i look at it and it's NOT BECAUSE I'M BURNING OUT!!!.....alright, so it is.

i just called Dr. Olsen. he got all excited when i talked about liking Japan and Japanese. he wants to talk to me now... something about "why go through all that education if you're not going to make money with it?"... if he can combine this with Japan, it's worth it to keep on for a while. hopefully i can have everything i want: a piece of Japan, money, a job in science, and a break so i can keep the sanity i have and rebuild what i've lost. unfortunately, he also wants to talk about the last test in that class, which i failed. i'm too used up to care about failing, but not so used up that i don't have hope for improving the class. but... i guess i'm scared he'll think i'm stupid or lazy... and i don't want such a great person to think lowly of me. i think i might actually cry if the phrase "i'm disappointed" leaves his mouth.

earlier today Mom asked me if i was okay... and i just couldn't muster the rhetorical "yeah". but... things aren't bleak... they're just TOO MUCH. on a lighter note, Karli was writing a paper on the desert. she IMed me about it.

Karli:

The Freakin’ Desert

Lots of things live in the freakin
desert. Things like rats, dingos, and sand.

Karli:

Lmao. Sand. I slay me...

also, i took a page from her book and entitled my paper "The Freaking Paper" and after that i handwrote in "(oh doom)=)" to make sure Dr. Olsen didn't take it spitefully.

-doom doom doom, dee end!

an update... and <3 to Matt

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 21:28:47 GMT

i like my Karli. things are mysteriously easy and fun, then.

also, for a small time, i will legitimately possess all Invader Zim known to man. it feels so good that i am afraid that i might have to actually buy it (instead of just renting). it has tasty commentaries by creators, writers, actors, and storyboard people. and they point out awesome little things in the episodes and provide priceless little tidbits and pieces of information.

Jhonen Vasquez: "Well... the fans are wrong. You have to remember, Andy, the fans are wrong."

also happy birthday to Matt! <3
he's a good Matt. you generally rock, and i'm proud of you. ^_^

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 01:41:22 GMT

these are my friend's pets. this is funny. the end.

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 21:32:41 GMT

Dad: Look!... Aww! They don't have it in your size.
Me: No, Dad, they do not have the little pimp shirt in my size.
Dad: You used to wear shirts like that.
Me: And I looked like a pimp.
Dad: If the shoe fits...

Dr. Olsen: Doing it synthetically is expensive! We want to be able to do it in a coconut shell in India.

Holly: ...impressed with my enthusiasm, blah blah blah.

Me: I am the thing that is characterized by the quality of being Rick James.

Samuel: I'm RICK JAMES, edited!!

Wari: I'm a little teapot...
Me: That you are, sugar! Rawr!

for all of you that have expressed the (flattering) wish that i not die, i feel like i should tell you that the echocardiogram results came back with nothing scary in them. so... i don't have any bad-weird valve thingies... although i apparently have a VERY common flaw in my tricuspid valve. fear not. i'm still wearing the heart monitor, though. the current score is:
Monitor: 1
Andy: 2
anyway, i'll call in all of them and tell them to ignore the one where the event monitor got the better of me.

oh! and a new girl commented on my last journal entry! that's news... i'll go unscreen it now so you all may marvel at it's novelty. i should probably also look into the information available to me on her and then reply to her comment. my life isn't QUITE like a soap opera... but hopefully i've entertained you enough to meet my quota... i better go fill other quotas, now. until next time...

It comes back around to Japan, in the end.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 23:59:59 GMT

Snow! who saw that coming? the air was filled with it. insubstantial flakes, insubstantial accumulation, but perhaps 20 flakes in a cubic inch, which made for an intimate experience. it was amazing how little snow there was but how much, simultaneously.

incidentally, しんしん (shinshin) is the word for the sound of heavy snowfall. i find it poetic that such a word even exists.

i learned some new words today: chibi (ちび) and kawaii (可愛い). the second one was (and this will make sense if you know the words) discovered in the course of finding the meaning of the first. i have absolutely no comprehension of the Japanese aesthetic. although i did, however, stumble upon the word wabisabi (侘寂). oddly enough, i have been working at something like this for a while in my own mind. although i admittedly was coming at it from the direction of questioning how we perceive beauty in a fallen world. the Japanese have tied it into something much more Zen. another thing i need to study in greater depth. it's charming, though.

i was amused today when my cell biology teacher (Dr. Brenda Rodgers) used the phrase "cytoplasmic goo." i believe it to be a useful, if general, way to refer to certain contents of a cell. i said before that she possesses grace and beauty rarely afforded to people her age. however, i realized something else today on my drive home through the gray: she is younger than my mother but appears more aged. it didn't occur to me before to compare her to my mother. i have never been able to look at my mother and actually SEE anything besides my mother. i realize that through the years she has matured much, but aged little. to me, her face has changed through time along with her. she seems a softer woman, more constant and more safe to me. she was a sharply edged young woman in my early memories, and sometimes she burned so brightly it was a wonder you could look directly at her. i knew that this made her marvelous, but also far from predictable... pushing the edge of that feeling of safety. she was shielding (as i was her child) but could be unsettlingly fierce. as i grew, i became amazed that my father could stand with or against her as her peer. he was so much like me, but also much... so much bigger, i suppose... in so many ways. but, although she has rounded her edges, her power and usefulness have not waned through time... rather, i think they've increased as she's shifted her methods and habits towards more subtle ways. she has matured but not aged. this is true both in her face and in her heart. but i've never been able to look at her to see if she's pretty. i was thinking of Dr. Rodgers and reminded of Wendy telling me that my mom was pretty. try as i might, i still can't compare her to other people in that way. not "i cannot bring myself to." simply "i cannot."

just to tie everything back in with Japan, it's apparently the most petty and childish thing ever to say that your mother is pretty. in fact, if someone complements you by saying that your mother is pretty, you are to respond as any polite Japanese would: deny it. something like "my mother is not pretty," would do. every time time they tell you something nice, you are to humbly contradict them. it's not polite to receive complements; reject them. it's a contrast that still captures my mind.

Chuck: "The end."

- Some will fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain
That is pourin' like an avalanche comin' down the mountain

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 21:19:27 GMT

This Asian woman scolded her little girl in the computer lab today (for being noisy), and pointed said girl at me. The most parsimonious explanation is that she was saying “this nice boy is trying to study!” (because I opened a door for woman and child earlier) but I got the distinct feeling that she was saying “If you are not quiet, he is going to eat you! See how skinny he is? He must be VERY HUNGRY!”. Either way, the child was adorably well behaved, and wearing Astroboy socks, so I’m going to count the thing as a positive experience on the whole.

Wrote a paper today. I’ll probably get back to actually living a life tomorrow. I don’t seem to actually live on Tuesdays and Thursdays, school lives through me. I’m another appendage to the hopeless student body. Once again: Invader Zim rocks.

Actually, I’m still writing the paper... and the couple on the computer next to me is obviously together because each thinks the other is good looking... and that’s... about... it. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be dating someone beautiful as badly as the next person, but I REALLY don’t want to be in the kind of relationship where that’s all you have. I mean... I’m having a hard time sitting next to these people. It makes me sad and pissed-off at the same time. Until I turn around and look at them, that is. Oo, pretty! But whenever I’m not looking directly at them, their conversation forces me to deal with the concussive results of such slapdash, careless, teenage matchmaking. It’s sort of like an inverted beatitude: “Cursed are the pretty people... for all sorts of reasons.”

-But they’re SO PRETTY!

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 00:18:49 GMT

so, echocardiogram today, as well as getting my event monitor. no results yet but i DID get to see more measurements of my heart taken than i knew were possible. wearing this is going to be WEIRD, you guys!

tonight is game night. we'll see if Kaylee shows and/or any of her (cute) friends show up. and LAST night Quintin, Andrew, Jon, and i smoked cigars together for the first time in too long... i think last time, Amy was here. anyway, i have a paper to write for biochem (don't worry, it's all small and non-threatening) so i had better get going.

also, i have awesome friends out of town. thanks for the cool comments last time ^_^.

-the difference between "cute" and "hot" is entirely contextual

Look! His head is breaching the water again!

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 03:33:14 GMT

again i have been long from my journal. again i've been very busy. life has been busy for all of us recently, in our house. the friendship with Karli continues. Kalee decided now that she has a boyfriend, she's too cool for us... but recently she called Quintin and apologized for not being at the game night, and asked when and where it was. we'll see if she actually shows up.

busy, though. i started school, and it promises to keep things exciting this semester... although it seems that this semester will be better than last. within the last few weeks i have found out that Ben Johnson is getting married to Bethany McCurry, and Adriel Schoenhals is getting married to his girlfriend. forgive me, i cannot remember her name. my heart is doing something weird enough to warrant an echocardiogram and an event monitor (which i'll wear for a month! YAY!). and my father has been laid off from his job, along with 75 other people that day. the layoffs made the news. Mom has been quite distraught since it was announced... but i apparently get peace on both of these subjects. a faith in God and, to a lesser extent, my father, has prevented me from freaking out... along with a significant amount of severance.

Kate, Holly, and Wendy are in my thoughts much more, recently. with every new piece of information that comes my way about upcoming weddings, i think of Holly's wedding, and a visit to Massachusetts. i look forward to it extremely. i should probably be contacting agents IN Massachusetts to discuss particulars.

i just finished reading Peter Pan. it's incredibly poetic and, like good poetry, is worth reading again. i cried at the end. i'm surprised every time i cry. i shouldn't have so surprised been this time. i always cry at the end of Peter Pan. why should the book be different? i can't wait until i have a child to whom i can read this... it wouldn't have to be my own child... just one who wants to listen. perhaps i'll be able to pull out quotes from the book the second time around. there are such dear things in that book. can’t you see me now? sitting in my poor little car in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face as i read? i am silly.

i still need to finish pulling audio clips from Invader Zim. i'm about five or six episodes into it... and they're fantastic, but i've just been overwhelmed of late. i bought some DVDs and books (Peter Pan being one)... Hero and HPIII on DVD. i need to get the rest of the movies on my list. i need to round out The Matrix and Harry Potter DVD collection... and buy all the Shyamalan movies... and other such things.

i think that's all i have to say for now. i love you all! and thank you to Kate and Wendy for saying nice things about me in that recent meme. i don't think i'd be able to come up with songs for everyone, so i don't think i'll be able to participate.

oh! and i'll tell you what the cardiologist tells me, whenever i get something definite. Amy keeps telling me "don't die" but if i'm going to, i'll try to tell you myself, 'kay? 'kay!

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 21:11:59 GMT

i really have neglected my poor journal recently. poor journal! so, i'm finally listening to the CDs that Wendy sent to me MONTHS ago. i feel kinda guilty about that, too. but i think things are alright. the schoolyear has rushed up to smack me in the face (i know it) but i'm strangely calm and stress-free... except for feeling like dirt while i'm sleep deprived and re-arranging my sleep schedule.

i attended school for the first time today. i'm taking three classes. there were the standard instructions in each. my psychology teacher might have been cool if he lived 20 years ago, right down to the band logo on his jacket... now he's just kinda weird. speaking of weird, you may all listen here to a song about Schnappi. it's adorable. the girl who sings it is apprently four years old? too cute. oh, in case you didn't notice that "Schnappi" has four consonants in a row (which, short of plurals, English tends to avoid), it's in German... why does that add to the charm?

it seems that Dr. Olsen doesn't think he caused us enough pain last semester, so he scheduled the second semester of biochemistry at eight of the clock. and finally, i am taking cell biology from Dr. Rogers. i am reminded once again of how attractive she is, and of my hope that the girl i marry ages well. there is grace of form, and there are other more abstract graces that seem to fade more slowly.

anyway... those are the classes i'm taking, and i'm entertaining myself by making sound clips out of the Invader Zim episodes. it's TONS of fun, but Karli and i are starting to become afraid that we will only speak in these little soundclips.

from here, i move into a four day weekend. i only take classes on Tuesday and Thursday. i hope this schedule doesn't just enable me to procrastinate my way to my own doom. that'd suck, huh?

-doom Doom DOOOM GO NOW!

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 00:01:54 GMT

so, if i haven't yet violated your musical tastes with my own, i'll try again now (we call it "sharing"). this is Vanessa Carlton, and she wrote a song about my summer... except for the part about the losing of the virginity... and you have to reverse the gender roles... er... whatever. anyway, i like it ^_^. here are the lyrics.

White Houses
Vanessa Carlton

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
this little bungalow with some strange new friends
Stay up too late and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
now we're spinning empty bottles it's the five of us
with Pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day, no I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'cause when she dances she goes and goes
beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty and she's so sure
maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
Summer's all in bloom, summer's ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets, In white houses

maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
he's so funny in his bright red shirt
we were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's cracked leather seat
the smell of gasoline in the summer heat
boy we're going way too fast, it's all too sweet to last

it's alright and I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets, In white houses
Love or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades, In white houses

my first time, hard to explain rush of blood
and a little bit of pain, on a cloudy day,
it's more common than you'd think, he's my first mistake

maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been

So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading, On white houses
I lied, Wrote my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us, In white houses
And you, Maybe you'll remember me
What I gave it is yours to keep, In white houses

i got compared to the good looking boy on a show about dysfunctional gay people. i find the whole series to be unsettling (and depressing, really), but i aspire to what's-his-name's hottness. i'm not really as hot as he is, i'm sure, but if give people unfairly good pictures to look at, i am allowed to be pleased at the inaccurate conclusions they draw ^_^. *pleased* ... i'm pretty sure that one girl is the pillar upon which 9/10ths of my self esteem rests. this CAN'T be healthy... in fact, i'm sure it's not. i'll have to work on that. in the meantime, my thanks to her, and here's hoping she doesn't change her mind.

i think that the other 10th might rest with Molly Woosley (yes, i know, Woosley) who called me "Sunshine" throughout my junior and senior years in high school at AACAL. this ties in neatly, as the QAF boy was also called Sunshine. anyway, my point was that giving people embarassingly affectionate nicknames is a good thing? no... that wasn't it. something about how seemingly insignificant little nice things can change other people in big ways. that's closer to right. pray for Molly, if you please. last time i saw her, she was displaying a distinct lack of wisdom. the path she was treading won't lead her to where she wants to be. she was 17 and dating someone who was 30 something(?). he also reeked of white trash, low-class, mooching child molester. sometimes an age difference can make for a cute couple... sometimes it creates a need for therapy in those involved and all their loved ones. it's all in how you do it, i suppose. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go hit on women old enough to be my mother.... j/k ^_^

this last part is for Quintin, even if he doesn't read this.

-what WOULD Freud say?

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 22:26:01 GMT

Andy: butt.
Mom: heinie.
Andy: butt.
Mom: bottom.
Andy: butt.
Mom: rear.
Andy: butt.
Mom: tush.
Andy: butt.
Mom: toucas.
Andy: BUTT! butt butt butt!

Karli: this is heavy!
Andy: it's full of fun!
Karli: ... and DEATH!

Karli, with the sarcasm of ten normal men: OH, lemme tell ya! you're on to me!

Karli, in a quiet tone of epiphany: i'm a hula dancer.

Amy met Karli. they got along grandly, and i was happy about that. Jon got XBox live (along with network access in the clubhouse), and was happy about that. Karli, Amy, Andrew, Quintin, Jon, Blake, and myself all sat around and watched Jon SLAUGHTER n00bs at Halo 2 on XBox live. we were all ecstatic, it was shockingly entertaining... especially when you can hear the other people talking. this one time this guy made this shocked and surprised noise, just before Jon rained down his classic Death From Above maneuver. so many died that night... SO MANY! Jon was in top form, and so it was a delight. i'm told that he'll eventually level up and will be playing people who are on his skill level. until then, he is a god among men. sometimes when he plays against newbies, you can actually see his eyes burning with the flames that consume men's souls. and the peasants whisper "The Demon cometh" in hushed tones. he comes in heat and steam and glory. amen. and then he meekly explains "that's why i'm called The Kink." it really was cool, you guys.

and then i drove with Karli and had a good time just picking up Cranium (board game of sorts)... the time was easy between us, and i was content. and then we all played Cranium for two hours at Quintin's new house (which i had helped him move into earlier in the day). everyone but Amy, that is... but she'll be around for sushi and such tomorrow. Quintin likes Amy just because she's a girl, i think.... and Amy is happy with that. anyway, at one point, Blake, Jon, and Andrew went to Toot'n'Totem to get batteries for the game and cokes for the players. they came back saying that they didn't stop at a gas station. except that Jon returned with a giant coke that said "Taylor's" on it.

Quintin: where'd you get that?
Jon: i had this before
Blake: *enters with Gatorade bottle*
Andy: he gets a drink too!?

at which point Jon was unable to speak because it was all too funny for him. apparently my tone was pretty pathetic, hurt, and confused, because Jon started laughing. then he felt bad for laughing, and he and Blake both eagerly explained in apologetic tones that they went to the grocery store, and the Gatorade was RIGHT BY the checkout stand. i wish i could adopt that manner on command. whimpering puppies don't get as much attention and concern as i did. i really wasn't upset, but it created an awesome moment. *remembers Jon cracking up*

Cranium was great. we all had a lot of fun. Blake and Andrew can spell "sausage" backwards. we ALL learned that there isn't any way to use gestures to convey the word "florist".

earlier today i helped Quintin move. my parents urged me to change into raggier clothes, but i decided (with some slight guilt) that i didn't feel like changing out of my normal clothes. i felt a lot better, though, when Charity showed up in impractical girl formal wear, complete with heels (she obviously left her work clothes in Canyon... I wouldn't have gone back to get them). Bobby rode with me in the car.... we bonded... we even flirted a bit... which was weird and fun. somehow he and i have always had an understanding, although if it's based on some commonality, i can't see it. good kid. he wore gel in his hair, but he didn't spike it up... i fail to see the point of gel without spikes... especially if you have it at that perfect length like Bobby does. i realized that Bobby and Karli are the same age... they are more than worlds apart. i think that if they touched, it could be one of the first omens of the apocalypse. *is totally influenced by anime*

i hung out at Quintin's house for entirely too long, afterwards... just me and the people who live there (this now includes Quintin. duh!). i got to know them a bit, and one of them gave me a Mega Man t-shirt that i'm currently wearing. was Quintin grateful for that company? was the always socially superior and aloof Quintin displaying a social and emotional need? and for ME, of all people. why am i so surprised to see him be human? why am i surprised to be needed or wanted? i suppose both things in general are pleasant surprises for me.

i did some grown-up things today but i'm NOT a grown-up, okay? firstly, i resolved (or initiated the resolution of) a family conflict. i made a good insightful point that Dad didn't see... i know that this means i'm mature/insightful... but i really take this as a sign of how much the parents are stretched past their limit. they've confirmed the fear, though... i think the biggest reason i never told was that i was paralyzed by the fear that things would be forever and irreparably changed... as they evidently are. i suppose i took this the same way have taken the death of several people i loved... shock and a remote, deep sadness. i think the sadness will become less remote as the loss becomes more apparent. the image of who i was in the mind of my parents is indeed dead. who am i to them now? i was happy to be loved as the person they knew me to be. i have not changed, although my path has changed for the better. who is this person they now think i am, and how do they feel about him? how much do i care about how they feel about him? i was the boy they knew before, i am not this new one... i am dead to my parents as myself, and alive only as some corrupt imposter. am i still glad things have taken the turn they did? no... but as much as i would like to go back and change things, i would not... even if i could, i would not.

secondly, i decided that i will not take the GRE at its scheduled date, nor will i apply to William and Mary. that weight has been lifted from me. also, there is nothing between me and Holly's wedding but the minutes and the miles, both of which will be traversed in their own time. i won't have to wait that long to see Wendy, though... why is that thought so satisfyingly happy?

i look forward to seeing Karli and Amy and Quintin tomorrow for sushi and other party activities. today was a mixed day... on the whole it was...good?

i am so tired, in so many ways... but i think i need to listen to happy sleepy music to be able to get any physical rest. i'll go work on that. mom wondered what i thought God was telling me in the scriptures... i think he's telling me that it's just me and Him for a while longer, but also that it's not a bad thing. i, of course, want it to me me and her in His presence, and i want it now. that's not going to happen for a while, it seems, but i'm learning that it's okay... well... He's teaching me, anyway.