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Monday, November 19th, 2007
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9:41 pm - Tombs of the past
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I ran out of places to put things in my room. This is a serious problem for someone who collects so many little things. So I started to clear out all the old stuff in my closet to put it in the attic. I’m writing this when I should be doing that.
I stumbled onto whole worlds, all packed up and put away: dated little diaries, all the favorite things that neither my brother nor I have been able to bring ourselves to throw away. Two childhoods distilled and carelessly moved out of the way, without so much as a single warning written on the boxes. I’m remembering people who I forgot that I used to be. I still carry pieces of them inside of me, I now realize, but so much of them has fallen away… so much pushed out by what I am now. And who cares? Me? God? The boy I shared that childhood with is engaged and far away. He would care, but he’s not here. The mother and father I can sometimes barely cope to live with? They’d care, if I could tell them. The creator-God is really the only person who bears witness to this funeral that I’m having for these pieces of me that I can no longer incorporate into myself. I am sorry to them. I miss them. I urgently panic, hoping that the things I have replaced them with were the right things. “We are gathered to remember”. That’s what they say for things like this. But who has gathered? Who remembers? I’m watching the death and collapse of a whole universe, and I’m the only one left to see it. I’ve been working so hard and so long on what I’ll become, and who I’ll find. But what have I become? Who have I found? Are their any that remain? With God as my only witness, I will strike the bell and wait until the tone falls away and silence fills me up. I will hold it inside to commemorate what I was and the death of it. I will get on my knees and fervently pray for the hope to become the right thing in honor of the boy that’s dead. The boy who’s flag I now carry. Who’s hopes and dreams haunt and possess me. Who’s thoughtless joyful infatuations still steer the course of my life and chain my heart. I need to become who he wanted to become. I need to find her who he wanted to find. I need to follow the brother he swore to love forever. I need to build an altar so I don’t forget. God strengthen me and guide me in this. I’m weak, confused, and alone without you. Forgive. Encourage. Help, save, comfort, and defend us, gracious Lord. Amen.
current mood: Mournful
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| Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
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9:10 am - Biblioteca
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| Friday, September 7th, 2007
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1:09 pm - projects and undertakings
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i've decided to post in duplicate on myspace and livejournal
i went to the library yesterday and made nerdly acquisitions. two books on algae (an old lecture summary and a new textbook) and "God Created the Integers" by Stephen Hawking. apparently it's more like Hawking edited it and will comment. i hope it's interesting. if it's not as exciting as i imagine, i will toss it by the wayside. i'm no physicist or mathematician. on the other hand, i'm the only person i know who made it through The Elegant Universe. i thought it was riveting the whole time. gripping. epic. enough adjectives. onward!
the algae books are because i have figured out that i can culture bioluminescent algae. But it would require me to change the media out every month. it's not that i don't like the maintenance or the cost of the cultures; it's that i consider this solution inelegant. i would like to create an enclosed, balanced ecosystem that will bioluminesce for me at night. i'll have a small aquarium available to me as soon as the recently spawned koi are grown enough to put in their special baby-pond. (we have a pond for the big koi, a kiddie pond for the little koi, and an aquarium for the fry and very small koi).
my ideal situations are as follows:
1. a completely sealed and balanced ecosystem in a jar which can continue indefinitely given proper temperature, light, and circadian rhythms.
2. a balanced ecosystem that may be kept in an aquarium or other open container. stable enough to withstand exposure to the outside world and able to continue with minimal maintenance (e.g. pH adjustment or removal of organic buildup).
we'll see if it's feasible. if anyone has any expertise to share, i'm all ears. i know i'm going to need marine bacteria. i think the bioluminescent algae should be Pyrocystis fusiformis. i have a feeling it's not going to be that simple because i have to keep the bacteria from outcompeting the algae... we'll see.
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| Thursday, September 6th, 2007
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11:31 am
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So... Kate asked me to post something. i wrote something up but before i could proofread it, it was out of date. life being crazy made it out of date quickly, but also delayed me by cutting into the ol' proofreading time. and it was way too long.
i'm alive. i'm well, i'm lurking here and enjoying your thoughts and the pieces of your life. i'm getting my masters in biochemistry. i'm planning on moving onto a PhD from UT Austin (cross your fingers). i hope to graduate this summer: research this semester, classwork next, a little spillover of class into the summer.
i had some friends here (Amarillo), but they all moved recently, so i'm down to a few. plus some interesting phone numbers in my phone book. i'm not sure when i'll call them.
i still read books. Harry Potter was the last one i finished. i'm now reading Wicked... apparently "Wicked=Oz+Sex". it's well written and well above the level of your typical internet fanfic... it's broadening Baum's world a bit, enriching it and shoring it up with some history and cultural subtexts. it still smacks of fanfic, though.
i'm playing the new Metroid. i rarely have time for video games, but i already own the system and this one is awesome. it makes me want to play it until i can't see.
i listen to music: Sufjan Stevens, A Fine Frenzy, The Decemberists... i guess i'm also taking applications in that dept. i need to get my XM hooked up in my car. if you were listening closely, you probably heard Holly shouting "About damn time!" at her computer. she told me about Sufjan Stevens AGES ago. i only just recently got around to it. apparently it required in-person encouragement. it shouldn't have. Holly's word is as good as gold, in my experience.
i'm going to hit post on this before it gets way too long. and before i can think of an excuse to procrastinate on posting it. e.g. "until i include this or perfect that". my apologies on the delay.
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| Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
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4:46 pm
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i've had these quotes floating around in my mind from my visit to Massachusetts. if someone has corrections for how they really went, email me or comment or something and i'll revise this entry.
it's nice to have exchanges like this online, they're PRICELESS in real life. i have deep affection for Wendy and Lauren because of these exchanges alone (in addition to any other feelings for any other reasons).
Wendy: Allah be praised!
Andy: Kinda like the old Monty Python "Saints be praised!"
Wendy: No. Only sissies say that. That's something old women say. "Allah be praised" is much more Lawrence of Arabia and glamorous... and pretty gay. So I guess you have sissy or gay.
Andy: So you're screwed either way, huh?
Wendy: Yes, but by different people.
Andy: My nose? Oh, I hate my nose!
Lauren: Why!?
Andy: Ooooh... *thinks* Probably because I have a terrible self-esteem and don't really like how I look.
Lauren: Ha!... wait, that's a joke, right?
Andy: *shrugs and smiles*
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| Sunday, June 26th, 2005
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10:38 am - Before the Flight
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My digestive system is apparently on an anti-emotion platform. there have been considerable protests and riots. somehow listening to Rachmaninoff lets me pour the turbulence into the music. time is filled with packing, taking pictures, last moments, and angst.
current music: Third Rachmaninov Piano Concerto, First Movement
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| Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
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4:58 pm
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the last seven days have FLOWN past. fugitive time. it seems like the vacation slowly built up like a roller coaster, the peak being the departure to western Massachusetts for the wedding. it's been a downhill rush since then. times with Wendy and her friends have been magical and disorienting. i find myself wondering a labyrinth of new friends in the shadow of a creature that only seems to be half girl. who knows what the other half is? the stuff of myth, surely. i've found another Tori Amos song that i believe to be about her. that makes two. i think that's two more than anyone else has.
hopefully this visit will be able to recharge (for lack of a better word) the normally long-distance relationships i have with these people. it's been so strange and good to have these people in my life again. it's disturbing when i think about how much they had faded in my mind. this really is an alternate universe, though. i was just recently talking with Kate about the expected shock upon re-entering the Texas world. either the hole is very deep, or i am falling very slowly.
hopefully i'm not the only one who's ever done this but i was talking with Wendy and had made a rather elaborate set up for a point...and then forgot the point. i went on and on about not fitting in and trying to find a place where i did. about how i had found only a handful of people that i really fit with, and listed of a few, and then i completely forgot the point. i suppose my point had been that i really hadn't had the opportunity for my friends to define me. after all, who was close enough to me to define me? the number of people that i'd closely connected with stayed incredibly small for many years. i decided to change that and not worry about it. i gave up on fitting in and started enjoying people for who they are, whether it fits with me or not. so i have more friends now, but there's definitely a limit on how closely i can seem to connect with them. it's important to understand that just because i can't understand all these friends all that well doesn't mean that my loyalty or love for them is limited by it. i suppose i'm always curious, though: when i find someone that i think i've connected with, someone who i understand, does that person really understand me? or is the connection just one-way? sometimes it's genuine, and sometimes i like a person, but i'm just a novelty to them. and gradually my novelty fades without giving way to understanding, and i just confuse them, and they let go. but i suppose that's life.
last night we went to a Thai restaurant, and then Wendy, Darren, and I got lost on an effing ninja route (pronounced with an "oo" not an "ow") on the way to the beach. i was nearly molested (all in good fun) by yet another Kate. after the beach we went to Lauren's nearby house where we all talked together for a while, and then the others abandoned the four of us to magical, sparkling, intimate conversation (the four of us being Darren, Lauren, her twin Bree, and myself). i hope the twins manage to invite themselves to wherever i happen to be in the next two days, and Darren as well, but to be a realist, i don't think i'll ever see them again. i did get Darren's email, though. we shared so much musical taste that it would have been wrong not to, i think. and i'll toss him on my livejournal friends list, too... because why not?
i need to call people today. i miss home and the people in it. i've been listening to Jon's music. a sure sign that i miss being with him. i also was telling Wendy about him while we waited outside the Thai restaurant waiting for everyone to get there. i talked about what he was doing and who he was dating and how great he is. i hope he and i end up in the same place, when it's all said and done. it would break my heart if we didn't... but it wouldn't be my first broken heart, i suppose, and the awful perversion of a broken heart is that you continue to live and life goes on.
i know that i'm in for one when i get home, missing being with all these people all over again. i've actually got it now, i suppose. hopefully i'll be able to take pieces of them with me. i'll take home photos, online contact information, and memories. i should probably find a way to get a hold of the music i'm listening to, also.
current mood: Melancholy
current music: Wendy's Music
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| Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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3:01 pm - memed!
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apparently i'm the next step in the replication of a song meme. six songs, four future victims. unfortunately, i'm in something of a livejournal cul-de-sac for the time being. especially because a highly similar meme has recently conferred immunity on Matt Carleton and his comrades. so i'll just offer up my top six songs to the governing meme-deities and hope that i don't get dragged behind a subway while miniature bears eat my grandmother's burning house...or something.
so here they are, in no apparent order.
"Loser Like Me" by Sixpence None the Richer
"Holiday by Green" Day
"Barons of Suburbia" by Tori Amos
"Murder, He Says" by Jimmy McHugh and Frank Loesser, performed by Tori Amos
"The Saga of Jenny" by Ira Gershwin and Kurt Weil, performed by Dawn Upshaw
"Spem in Alium" (a motet for 40 voices) by Thomas Tallis, performed by the Tallis Scholars
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1:30 am
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I'm thinking of changing my last name to "Texas".
There are so many references to comedy routines in the workings of my mind. Too bad that no one here knows those routines. I'm still highly amused.
Too many people fail to notice all the little pleasures inherent in normal "mundane" existence. I'm not one of those people. Blessedly exempt from the epidemic obliviousness.
current music: Sixpence None the Richer - Loser Like Me
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| Monday, June 13th, 2005
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12:46 am
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Andy: this place messes with my head ^_^
Andy: i love it
Libby: =)
Andy: experiences that stretch and push you out of your normal tend to.... give you added perspective into your own life
Libby: That's good.
Andy: un
i am (in a very real way through my memories and other permanent aspects) at this moment every person that i have ever been, in part or in whole.
-Why should I want for company? Have I not the quiet moth beside me?
current music: Abbey Road and Amazing Grace as sung by Tori Amos
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 19th, 2005
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3:25 am - She Wants to be a High School English Teacher
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I saw Molly Woosley again today. I can’t sleep. I worry for her desperately. I loved her immediately because I could feel she needed it. I think she still needs it. She’s in The Wrong Band. Ginger is always sincere. That’s Molly. Why can’t I save everyone? Why can’t everyone be saved? Universal salvation. Free will doesn’t work. We messed it up. We use it to gradually kill ourselves. She didn’t look a day older than she did at 14. But you can feel how she’s being used up inside. The trouble is that I can’t just scoop up stray little girls and take them home the way I do stray puppies. I can’t fix them up, or keep them, or find them a good place. I can’t wrap them up and hand feed them until they get better like a little squirrel. They just won’t let me. They’re too proud, or too scared, or too closed up to take my hand. So I hugged her. I smiled a sad smile. I walked away. That’s all she would have me do. All she would let me do.
current music: Tori Amos - Apollo's Frock (on repeat)
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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10:28 am - So, I’m back
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Alright, I’m no Sam Gamgee. Finals are done. Hopefully the all consuming fire of education is done with my life for a while. It’s been simply atrocious, how I’ve neglected my journal. Let’s see what’s happened.
I had a car wreck myself. I actually managed to turn my car completely over going only thirty miles per hour. You see, there was this trailer parked the wrong way on the street with no reflectors showing... and it was dark... and there’s no way I can really talk my way out of the fact that I had a wreck, but you get the idea, I hope. I actually just now finished helping Kevin Hughes (or actually his brother Kerry) transport my next car to a(n) (apparently) knowledgeable Vietnamese man for its final stages of repair.
I was IN a wedding in April. Bethany McCurry married Ben Johnson, or vice versa ^_^. There are now SO MANY Mrs. Johnsons that I believe my nickname for Bethany will stick. She is now often referred to as "The Petite Mrs. Johnson". Not that she’s that much smaller than Ben. If those two have children, they will definitely be small. In case you all were wondering, I served as an usher in that wedding. I ushed with moderate skill. I thought it wasn't bad for my first time as an usher and my second time in a wedding. I was a ring-bearer for Ben’s aunt and uncle.
I’m going to attend two weddings in May. Bethany Denton is marrying someone who I have yet to meet. But if the rest of the Dentons are approving of him, then I’m sure they’ve hazed him better than I ever could have. If he’s gotten past Denny, then he has my seal of approval. I can’t wait to meet him, though... I’ll probably cry at her wedding, but Quintin was just as choked up at the McCurry Johnson wedding as I was, so I’m not that bad. I mean... people were actually shocked afterward, saying “You DO have a soul, Quintin!”
The other wedding I’ve mentioned is for relatively recent friends. The sort of people I know so casually that I don’t even know their last names. But I’ll be glad to attend because they’re such a charming couple, both individually and together. It appears that I may be going to their house tonight to play the ever popular Texas Hold'em.
I’ve finally booked flights to Massachusetts and back for Matt and Holly’s wedding. I consider the wedding I was ACTUALLY IN to be THE wedding of the spring and even if I’m not in it, I expect Holly’s wedding to be THE wedding of the summer. Actually it will probably be the highlight of whole summer in almost every category.
I’m still going to game nights every Wednesday and it’s an understatement to say that the group has gotten closer and more established. Kimmie and I are dating. Jon and Kalee are dating for the second time. Megan and Quintin dated but broke up. Over the course of the next month, I expect things to get even more interesting. Blake will bring a girlfriend into the group and, more importantly, so will Megan for a short time. We’ll see how Quintin handles that. Blake leaves at the end of May. I’d place money that there will be several invitations to his girl to stay even after he goes, but I’m not sure she will. Hopefully Quintin will be enough of a tie to Nate and Tristan (the couple who’s last names I don’t know) to get them to stay with us after Blake is gone... but he IS their primary contact to the group.
Kimmie and I are dating. That’s certainly worth mentioning. She is a steadfast, kind, meek girl who takes these qualities for granted in herself. I guess I’m not TOO comfortable doing a running relationship commentary on here, so I won’t. I can’t really talk to my guy friends about it, and most of my girly-type friends are her girl friends, too... so... not that I don’t trust them but... I doubt that I really say anything of importance in TOTAL confidence with them, but they're looking out for her, and i can't blame them. I’ll keep my own counsel for a time, it seems. That is, of course, on things that I can’t tell her yet. Hopefully as the relationship continues, I’ll be able to tell her more and more until there’s nothing I can’t say to her. Ironically enough, arrival at that point would make a whole new set of decisions necessary, although I guess those would be the last I would have to make without her. It’s preposterous to be thinking that far ahead, but I know that both of us are doing it. We don’t really think of it too seriously (I hope), but there are only two directions the relationship could go for us, and I’m sure both parties consider both directions.
Oh yeah! (I almost forgot to mention it) Things with the cardiologist went fine. He said something along the lines of “Don’t come back for 40 years and if I’m still practicing in 40 years then I’m certainly not sane so don’t come to me!” So, my classes didn’t kill me, and weren’t killing me, but it took a highly trained medical expert to make sure. It’s been a rough semester.
I’m now going to church with Kimmie (and a much of the rest of the group) at Trinity Fellowship. Blake just grinned from ear to ear and said “Jeez!” when he heard that... which is a great reaction considering the ones I’ve heard about in the past. Although... he usually has to get pretty heated to produce comments like that. The pastor at Trinity Baptist it taking a large unpaid leave of absence in an attempt to save a failing marriage. It's disturbing to see that no one is immune from that. It was encouraging for him to basically stand up and say "mea culpa" about the whole thing, though. We'll see whether or not I had reason to be encouraged, eventually. But David Evans was basically the reason that we chose to attend that church in the first place, so without that, there's little left for me at Trinity Baptist. A sad thing to say, really. I went back to EFC to visit the youth service for a thing or two. Sort of a sentimental journey. It was good to visit, but when I did, I knew I couldn't go back... for all the old reasons.
It seems that this isn’t going to be one of those journal entries that just comes to a natural conclusion in my mind... But that’s to be expected because I haven’t posted in SOO LONG, jeez!
I should probably do some writing about Libby and Wendy, but we’ll see if that comes together or not.
-Imagine my supreeze!
current mood: Spring
current music: Sixpence None the Richer - Loser Like Me
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| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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7:25 pm - unbelievable
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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3:55 pm
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The human sexes have always fascinated me with their differences. I found a new article on 'intersex' babies, who's sex is not immediately clear on birth. Doctors are changing their approach on treatment of these children, and it seems to be an obvious step in the right direction. My favorite part is where they talk about how a researcher has "identified 54 genes that work differently in the brains of male and female mouse embryos just 10 days after conception — before sex hormones are ever produced."
Blech, I've already had bad news from the dentist today (cracked tooth). Hopefully I'll have good news from the cardiologist. I'm going to see him right NOW as a matter of fact. See you later <3.
current mood: Fascinated
current music: Tori Amos - Hoochie Woman
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005
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7:36 pm - Hot Meme Action, A Small Update, and A Bit of Speculation
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Ten Things I've Done That You Probably Haven't- crashed a piano master class taught by an international concert pianist, who i then kept correspondence with.
- had a pet squirrel.
- skinned cats... more than one way.
- personally witnessed a coronary bypass... during which the surgeon waved the arterial plaque about, proclaiming in a thick foreign accent "THEES eez beeg mac!"
- written a prize winning paper before adolescence.
- had two different crushes die before i turned 18.
- dug trenches during a flood.
- had the National Science Foundation to fling me halfway across the map during which ended up doubling my number of favorite people. and they paid me.
- minored in physics... by accident.
- had people ask to model for me, as a photographer.
this list isn't that great. i suppose most of the special things in my life aren't "things i've done". they're people or relationships or coincidences or events. this list just didn't fit me. kids and animals love me. i've rescued two dogs that have trained themselves (one for me, one for a friend), and i've lost count of how many different children have fallen asleep on me or in my arms... but those are not things i've DONE... those are things that have happened to ME... perhaps because of who i am. perhaps just because God loves me. it's hard to say.
i've been incredibly busy. it's Friday, but it feels like i finally got my Tuesday. i've been so busy that i've lost three days this week. On Thursday i got home from school at 9:00 in the evening. on Tuesday i got home at 4:00... in the morning... i guess that puts things well into Wednesday by that point. i spent SO much time in the last seven days using science to rape the English language. i HATE HATE HAAAATE the scientific writing style. i want to cry every time i look at it and it's NOT BECAUSE I'M BURNING OUT!!!.....alright, so it is.
i just called Dr. Olsen. he got all excited when i talked about liking Japan and Japanese. he wants to talk to me now... something about "why go through all that education if you're not going to make money with it?"... if he can combine this with Japan, it's worth it to keep on for a while. hopefully i can have everything i want: a piece of Japan, money, a job in science, and a break so i can keep the sanity i have and rebuild what i've lost. unfortunately, he also wants to talk about the last test in that class, which i failed. i'm too used up to care about failing, but not so used up that i don't have hope for improving the class. but... i guess i'm scared he'll think i'm stupid or lazy... and i don't want such a great person to think lowly of me. i think i might actually cry if the phrase "i'm disappointed" leaves his mouth.
earlier today Mom asked me if i was okay... and i just couldn't muster the rhetorical "yeah". but... things aren't bleak... they're just TOO MUCH. on a lighter note, Karli was writing a paper on the desert. she IMed me about it.
Karli: The Freakin’ Desert
Lots of things live in the freakin
desert. Things like rats, dingos, and sand. Karli: Lmao. Sand. I slay me...
also, i took a page from her book and entitled my paper "The Freaking Paper" and after that i handwrote in "(oh doom)=)" to make sure Dr. Olsen didn't take it spitefully.
-doom doom doom, dee end!
current music: Tori Amos - The Beekeeper
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| Sunday, February 13th, 2005
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3:28 pm - an update... and <3 to Matt
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i like my Karli. things are mysteriously easy and fun, then.
also, for a small time, i will legitimately possess all Invader Zim known to man. it feels so good that i am afraid that i might have to actually buy it (instead of just renting). it has tasty commentaries by creators, writers, actors, and storyboard people. and they point out awesome little things in the episodes and provide priceless little tidbits and pieces of information.
Jhonen Vasquez: "Well... the fans are wrong. You have to remember, Andy, the fans are wrong."
also happy birthday to Matt! <3
he's a good Matt. you generally rock, and i'm proud of you. ^_^
current mood: fan-friggin-tastic ^_^
current music: an odd mix of Loreena McKennitt and Ernesto Lecuona
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| Friday, February 11th, 2005
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6:00 pm - Nameless Creatures
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in Tuckerton, NJ, i came across a turtle who had been run over. we all got out of the car and assessed the situation in the headlights of the Rutgers van. you could see soft translucnt fleshy eggs. she had come up to lay her eggs and had been broken most of the way in two. the situation really didn't leave me much of an option, but to move her to a place where she could die more comfortably... without the risk of further injury. the night was deep and cool and full. it teemed with potential and excitement. she haunted me the rest of the night. she was there... her end an aftertaste of all things.
now a squirrel haunts not only my thoughts, but my backyard. the gray sky and empty trees. his wetly black keen eyes no longer surveying our comings and goings.
nameless animals are always dying in a ceaseless peal. why is it that these few haunt me? how is it that i have a compulsion to CHANGE things? i HAVE to. but i can't.
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| Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
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7:41 pm
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these are my friend's pets. this is funny. the end.
current mood: Happy ^_^
current music: The Beatles - Why Don't We Do It in the Road
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| Friday, February 4th, 2005
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3:32 pm
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Dad: Look!... Aww! They don't have it in your size.
Me: No, Dad, they do not have the little pimp shirt in my size.
Dad: You used to wear shirts like that.
Me: And I looked like a pimp.
Dad: If the shoe fits...
Dr. Olsen: Doing it synthetically is expensive! We want to be able to do it in a coconut shell in India.
Holly: ...impressed with my enthusiasm, blah blah blah.
Me: I am the thing that is characterized by the quality of being Rick James.
Samuel: I'm RICK JAMES, edited!!
Wari: I'm a little teapot...
Me: That you are, sugar! Rawr!
for all of you that have expressed the (flattering) wish that i not die, i feel like i should tell you that the echocardiogram results came back with nothing scary in them. so... i don't have any bad-weird valve thingies... although i apparently have a VERY common flaw in my tricuspid valve. fear not. i'm still wearing the heart monitor, though. the current score is:
Monitor: 1
Andy: 2
anyway, i'll call in all of them and tell them to ignore the one where the event monitor got the better of me.
oh! and a new girl commented on my last journal entry! that's news... i'll go unscreen it now so you all may marvel at it's novelty. i should probably also look into the information available to me on her and then reply to her comment. my life isn't QUITE like a soap opera... but hopefully i've entertained you enough to meet my quota... i better go fill other quotas, now. until next time...
current mood: upbeat and free. starting a 4 day weekend
current music: Tori Amos - Strange Little Girl
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| Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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5:59 pm - It comes back around to Japan, in the end.
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Snow! who saw that coming? the air was filled with it. insubstantial flakes, insubstantial accumulation, but perhaps 20 flakes in a cubic inch, which made for an intimate experience. it was amazing how little snow there was but how much, simultaneously.
incidentally, しんしん (shinshin) is the word for the sound of heavy snowfall. i find it poetic that such a word even exists.
i learned some new words today: chibi (ちび) and kawaii (可愛い). the second one was (and this will make sense if you know the words) discovered in the course of finding the meaning of the first. i have absolutely no comprehension of the Japanese aesthetic. although i did, however, stumble upon the word wabisabi (侘寂). oddly enough, i have been working at something like this for a while in my own mind. although i admittedly was coming at it from the direction of questioning how we perceive beauty in a fallen world. the Japanese have tied it into something much more Zen. another thing i need to study in greater depth. it's charming, though.
i was amused today when my cell biology teacher (Dr. Brenda Rodgers) used the phrase "cytoplasmic goo." i believe it to be a useful, if general, way to refer to certain contents of a cell. i said before that she possesses grace and beauty rarely afforded to people her age. however, i realized something else today on my drive home through the gray: she is younger than my mother but appears more aged. it didn't occur to me before to compare her to my mother. i have never been able to look at my mother and actually SEE anything besides my mother. i realize that through the years she has matured much, but aged little. to me, her face has changed through time along with her. she seems a softer woman, more constant and more safe to me. she was a sharply edged young woman in my early memories, and sometimes she burned so brightly it was a wonder you could look directly at her. i knew that this made her marvelous, but also far from predictable... pushing the edge of that feeling of safety. she was shielding (as i was her child) but could be unsettlingly fierce. as i grew, i became amazed that my father could stand with or against her as her peer. he was so much like me, but also much... so much bigger, i suppose... in so many ways. but, although she has rounded her edges, her power and usefulness have not waned through time... rather, i think they've increased as she's shifted her methods and habits towards more subtle ways. she has matured but not aged. this is true both in her face and in her heart. but i've never been able to look at her to see if she's pretty. i was thinking of Dr. Rodgers and reminded of Wendy telling me that my mom was pretty. try as i might, i still can't compare her to other people in that way. not "i cannot bring myself to." simply "i cannot."
just to tie everything back in with Japan, it's apparently the most petty and childish thing ever to say that your mother is pretty. in fact, if someone complements you by saying that your mother is pretty, you are to respond as any polite Japanese would: deny it. something like "my mother is not pretty," would do. every time time they tell you something nice, you are to humbly contradict them. it's not polite to receive complements; reject them. it's a contrast that still captures my mind.
Chuck: "The end."
- Some will fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain
That is pourin' like an avalanche comin' down the mountain
current music: "Clocks" and "Daylight" both by Coldplay
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kintarokun's journal